The Netherlands

Shine The Toppers

"There are so many things not right..."

The on-season is a hectic time of year for avid Eurovision fans: as if it's not hard enough keeping up with the 40+ national selections going on across the continent, many broadcasters fill the gap between then and the HoD meeting (and sometimes between then and the night of the contest itself) tweaking their entries and releasing new versions. Some countries make a habit of it for the simple reason that they don't have a lot of choice; Albania, for example, who had to compress 4-and-a-bit minutes of Më Merr Në Ëndërr into 3 minutes of Carry Me In Your Dreams for Moscow. Others do it to improve on and/or bring out the best in their entries. Others, though, make the kind of choices that do neither and that leave you shaking your head wondering what on earth they were thinking. That's what the Netherlands have done this year: taken the cringeworthy but otherwise decent Shine and remixed it into total oblivion.

What started out life as a chintzy, slightly embarrassing but well-meaning anthem by the chintzy, slightly embarrassing but well-meaning Dutch trio the Toppers has had its dated disco appeal stripped away and been abandoned to a kind of clubland minimalism whose only signature is a bassline punctuated by farty synths. Not realising that about the only thing Shine had going for it - apart from last-minute stud-muffin and Roger Federer lookalike Jeroen van der Boom - was its unabashed gayness, including but not limited to the fat female backing singers and mardi gras float feel to the performance, the Toppers and/or NOS took the decision to butch it up by employing an eminent DJ (not that you'd know) to remix it. The result speaks for itself, and only makes the trio seem more desperate and pitiable.

There's not a lot else to say about Shine. It's a perfect example of when it really is better to leave well alone in Eurovision. It has very few, if any, redeeming features. Not only is it a virtually certain non-qualifier, keeping the Netherlands out of the final for the fifth year running, but it must also be a solid candidate to come last in the 2nd semi-final, since the country has no friends and the song's appeal is limited. I couldn't predict a better result for it even if it weren't one of my least favourite songs of 2009, since it has 'loser(s)' written all over it.